Learning to Love Again! Part I

I previously wrote a blog focusing on the battle my husband and I encountered when he returned back from deployments with undiagnosed trauma. I was very excited about the positive feedback I received. I was not only excited but also made aware that there are many others who have faced this issue and some still are facing it in silence. This article can be considered the sequel to, “The Day We Said Goodbye”. Now that I have publicly shared our struggle a few of my trusted friends suggested that I also share the process that has led us to where we are today. It has been one that has caused my husband, myself and our eldest son to learn the true meaning of family and commitment. As for me, I also realized that sometimes we must learn how to love again.

When my husband returned back from his first deployment in 2004 I did not realize that I would have to learn how to love again. Since the husband that I married was no longer, I had to learn to love and fall in love with this new husband that was now sharing my home with me, sharing my bed with me, co-parenting with me and etc… This was not only something that I had to find a way to achieve but my husband had too as well. Situations and circumstances had caused us both to become new people and we needed to make this marriage work despite the changes.

1) Acceptance- One of the most important things we had to do was to accept that things had changed and that we had changed. It is common for couples to experience life altering events and to spend a great amount of time wishing that things were like they used to be. K.J. and I realized that things were not like they used to be and that in some instances they never would be again. I am not saying that everything was lost; however, when some things change we must learn to adapt and find a way to appreciate the new instead of continuing to grieve over the old.

2) Patience- My husband’s state of mind and behaviors were extremely different when he arrived home after every deployment. There were many times that I did not understand his responses and I would become very aggravated because I did not understand. My aggravation in no way helped the situation actually it only made things worse. I was not aware at the time that K.J. truly could not see what I saw. Although he knew that he was different he was not aware of how much his difference in behavior was affecting me and our son.

It honestly took me a few years to realize that I needed to be patient and understanding with my husband. Instead of always becoming upset, aggravated and angry God showed me that I needed to show sympathy. He had seen and experienced some things that I could never imagine and although I deeply wanted everything to be “normal” again, we were clearly on the way to a new norm. My husband needed me to allow him time to work through some things while also keeping a balance and holding him accountable in a respectful way when needed. K.J. also had to learn to be patient with me as I learned to accept the new him.

3). Forgiveness- In order to maintain any successful relationship the practice of forgiving must be evident. Whenever a drastic life changing event occurs in a marriage there will most likely be misunderstandings, a breakdown in communication and in some cases a lack of trust. I am not saying that these things will occur 100% of the time, however, when emotions are running high it is easy to say and do things that we do not mean to say and do. It is common that we will react to a situation opposed to responding when we have feelings of confusion, anger, desperation and disappointment.

In these cases the act of forgiveness is important for both parties. Actually, I would consider forgiveness a requirement if the relationship is to thrive and survive. As my husband and I were struggling to learn how to maintain a marriage, although we were different people, we made many mistakes. There were many times that we both treated each other unfairly and in some cases even disrespectful. Learning to say “I’m sorry” and “I accept your apology” was a necessity. We still make mistakes and wrong each other at times because we are human. However, we have a stronger foundation now and we understand that forgiveness is not only for the other person but it is also for us and the betterment of our marriage. Without it we would never have learned how to love again.